I was pretty naive back in my college days. I grew up in a middle American family with good core values. It was a religious home where most social issues were not generally discussed openly. We were not ultra-conservative. But I come from stoic German Lutherans. They were good people. Stern. Quiet. Proud.
When I first went off to college after graduating high school I moved into an all-female dorm at a midwestern Lutheran University. Back then all the dorms on campus were divided by sex and there was a main lobby in each dorm where all guests had to sign themselves in and out. There were acceptable hours for guests. All the doors locked at 11:00pm weekdays. 1:00am Fridays & Saturdays. The residents had to be in. If not, then they had to call to get back in after hours.
My college life was in the mid and late 1970’s. So, yes, I realize that student experiences have changed big time since then. I have always prided myself in accepting changes, and allowing freedoms, and advancements, and I understand how for some young people adapting to college life can go just fine for them. It’s a good and valuable stepping stone to adulthood.
But, I also know that the first experience living away from home for some others is quite overwhelming. There are no parents to tell you how much to study, to eat properly, to get some sleep, and to stay out of trouble.
I remember my first taste of beer my freshman year in college. I did not particularly like it and I would nurse one for hours. I’d hold it and take small sips just to be part of the group. Some of my friends smoked pot and I tried it but I didn’t like it either. It made me nervous to smoke because it was illegal. But, I did like wine! My sophomore year roommate and I would often order a pizza and a bottle of Chianti (way before “Silence of the Lambs”!) and we thought we were cool, and, yes, we spoked cigarettes in our room. Ooooooo! She was a cheerleader so she kept her smoking quiet, behind our dorm room door. Funny that we didn’t realize the smell gave it away, but back then lots of people were smoking so the cigarette odor was always lingering.
For me, I admit that I matured slowly. I was pretty careful. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. So, I was cautious in what I did and didn’t do. It was just my nature.
The reason I am writing this musing is because I have been following the case of the Jane Doe from Cornell University. What happened to her seems so unbelievable, so scary, and really so down right disgusting. But is this what campus life is like now? Especially in fraternities? Is young male behavior totally out of control?
Have we gone too far in the freedoms found on campus? Is frat life like the movie “Animal House”?
And, if so, where does the blame land for the lewd male behavior?
Let me say this for sure – the blame does NOT lay with the Jane Doe! It was not her fault that she got gang raped. I will say that again. She did not ask to be gang raped. She did not have control of the situation. She was the victim. In fact, rape is NEVER a woman’s fault ever. Rape is violent. It is demeaning. It is the physically powerful over the weaker one.
It leaves behind long lasting physical, mental, and emotional harm.
I believe that men need to be taught from a very young age that EVERY human being is to be respected, that ‘no means no’ and that only consensual sex is okay. They need to learn that consensual sex is different for females compared to males. Remember the book about Venus and Mars? It is true. Males think of sex as a physical act and females almost always tie sex in with an emotional connection.
The ‘boys will be boys’ mentality is old, and wrong, and even though the urge for sex is part of the physical makeup, we are whole bodies that need to be cared about. Boys need to be taught that! We already teach our girls at a young age that nobody should touch them in certain places. We teach them that telling an adult is alright. But, what about the boys?? WE NEED TO TEACH THE BOYS!!!
College years are life expanding. I am glad I experienced it. I went on from the small Lutheran Liberal Arts university to a large state school. I met all kinds of young people and I admired my professors.
Today I believe that everyone who goes off to school learns just as much outside the classroom as they do in it. That’s why I have always advocated for the dorm experience if it is financially possible. The late teens and early 20’s can be amazing years for growth and for learning independence. For learning WHO you are. For growing up! For making decisions. For starting out on your own.
Since the Cornell case I have seen two other fraternity sexual abuse cases show up in the news. In each one of them the male members have used force, have been drinking, and have acted out as if females were just bodies to take. They seem shocked to realize that there are consequences.
This must change.