Happy birthday Dad !

My dad is 94 years old today. On his birthday each year I have such an overwhelming amount of emotion, this one included.

I am the youngest of his 3 children. I considered myself Daddy’s little girl for a long, long time, especially after my older siblings went off to college and then moved on with their work and marriages. I too went off to college, but then after my sophomore year I moved back home and commuted to finish off my undergraduate degree. I lived at home with Mom and Dad. I Finally moved out after graduation, but only ‘up the road’ to an apartment with a dear girlfriend. I lived close by to my parents until shortly before getting married at the age of 27.

I have wonderful memories of growing up. It was a very ‘all American’ setting, as I was a child of a typical family unit, in the Midwest, and in a middle-income home. I had my share of friends, a pet dog, and I never felt I lacked for anything. My relatives from both sides of the family all lived in the state and we gathered for holidays.

Dad was a pastor, and he was serious at times, but he was also the one that liked to drive a sports car, and to play many games Of ping pong, and he took us all camping for vacations. He had a dark room in our basement and developed his own pictures. I always thought that was a cool hobby. He drove me anywhere I wanted to go. He was the chauffeur more than mom was. He loved Boston Terriers and we always had one.

Once I moved out, and was out living on my own, I worked full time and I handled my own finances, but I relied on Dad to help me with my first car purchase. I still remember being with him and buying the black Horizon with the red racing stripe! I called him when something would go wrong with it too.

When I got married I quickly left for the west coast with my new hubby because he had a really exciting job opportunity out there. This was in the mid 80’s and way before computers and cellphones, so communicating with my parents became a once a week phone call. We lived in California for 5 years and then moved to the Atlanta area. Again, my connection with my parents was mostly a weekly phone call. By this time my mother was having health issues and travel was not easy for them. Then by the time hubby and I, and our two young daughters, moved to Maryland, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. We lived in Maryland for 4 years. Our next move was to New Jersey where we ended up living for 12 years. Computers had finally arrived and Dad and I used to send messages back and forth. We used the AOL live chat. My family of four did occasional trips back to Ohio to visit Mom, Dad, my siblings and their families. Usually twice a year. But… Time just kept on passing…

Mom died. Dad stopped communicating. I felt awkward. I wanted him to travel since he didn’t have to be Mom’s caregiver anymore. But he didn’t. I felt left out on most things going on back where he was. I didn’t KNOW what was going on. Sometimes I felt it was easier not to know because it was painful.

Now I live in South Carolina. I have been here 14 years or so. A lot of years have gone by. Dad is 94. I’m still his little girl. I’ve just been away a very very long time.

So, when it comes to my dad, I feel like a bit of a fool. Sometimes people ask me about my dad, and I don’t really know about him. I say he is doing fine. No news is good news I guess, right? There is too much water that has gone under the bridge so to speak. Too much time has gone by. I’m a pretty together person in most aspects of my life, but this is the one place I feel like I’m an imposter. It’s the one thing I cry about just thinking about… because I know I am to blame. I could have ‘kept at’ the dad-daughter relationship better. I could have tried harder. Sometimes I feel I did – and didn’t get the response I had hoped for.

Believe me, I’m happy to know that my brother and sister are there for Dad. Also, my two nieces and their families are close by and connected. The pictures on Facebook yesterday of his birthday gathering were wonderful to see – but also sad for me.

Because, I’m still his little girl.

Happy birthday Dad! I love you.