I started this post, the part typed below, yesterday and I saved it in drafts to give myself time. I was thinking that by tomorrow I might feel better. And, maybe I did not want to put out there a woeful musing. But, the reality is that some days are really hard!
TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON.
This line has become my mantra the past few days. Maybe it is because we are in the season of winter, and the cold and grey days have effected my sometimes sunny disposition. Maybe it’s because when I look all around at nature it appears so dead. There are no leaves on the trees, the grass is dormant, the flowers haven’t even started to push up through the ground. I long for warmth and nature’s colors.
The daylight is in short supply right now. The cold and dark have me hibernating just like animals do, waiting for spring to finally come and awaken me again.
It’s a weird time, or season of the year when everything seems on pause, but yet I need to do something and therefore I feel guilty waiting. Staying indoors. Putting things to do on the back burner. Waiting for a time I feel more motivated.
I don’t put enough effort into making the most of this time now. And once I start to wallow about it, it is hard to push myself forward.
I’m not unusual. I don’t think I am anyway. I think most of us struggle in wintertime, and perhaps that is why February was chosen as the month to acknowledge love on Valentine’s Day. We need to be reaffirmed that love is still around us, and that we are not alone. Because, really, all this ‘blahness’ can leave me with very little excitement, and it leaves me with too much time on my hands.
When I have time on my hands I think – and it’s not usually good. I think about my personal failures, and my lack of ability to use the time I am given for good and for showing love. You know the song “Live Like You were Dying”? Well, I don’t want to be told I have cancer, but as the song says that is when a person finally realizes – and loves deeper, and speaks sweeter, and gives forgiveness they have been denying.
This season of winter is already bleak due to the nature of it. It is also bleak because it seems so slow, and it turns into a time of introspection. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
I am a person of faith and I believe that God created everything – and set it up in ways we just can’t comprehend. But I also believe deeply in ‘free will’ and that God said… go, show me, do good to one another. Follow my guidelines. Spread love. Become fishers of men – in my name. (Last Sunday’s gospel reading.)
For me – as I think, and experience winter, I realize how much we (I) have let God down. Darkness seems to be winning. Events of our country and the world are so saddening – and maddening. It feels like nothing good is happening. Rhetoric is negative. Our country is so divided (definitely the most I have experienced in my lifetime), and so many seem so lost in what God wants for us. It overwhelms me some days.
Part of my hibernation then becomes to hibernate from people. For self survival I need to stay away from the craziness out there. I need to back off and re-evaluate. I need to lift myself up, and sometimes that means to stay away from all the negative. I have chosen to opt out of going places. I prefer not to get engaged in too much, especially what can bring me down more.
As I said above I am a woman of faith. I am also a person who knows that questioning is A-ok with God. I am allowed to use my brain, and to wonder, and to say “I’m not sure” – and my faith tells me that it’s alright to be that way. God does not think less of me for trying to be open-minded, or for leaving negative things behind. A closed life is a life that misses out on experiences that can bring joy – and stops learning, and leads from fear of the unknown.
I have always felt that I ‘lived by example’ – and that to see me, is to know me, is to see a totally truthful person. Even in this dark winter season, you see me – even here, by my writings. When physically going out can be tough, my Marla’s Musings is a constant outlet for me.
I know that this season of winter will pass. One day (not soon enough for me – ha) the earth will wake up again and spring will come with much beauty. It always does. I also know that I will make it through these cold, dark days. And, yes, maybe they are needed to appreciate what is to come. All of nature will come back together – and will be beautiful again.
But, what about humanity?
Marla’s Musings 