Linda

For a few months now I have been thinking about devoting a special musing to my sister-in-law Linda. She died this past Spring only after 8 weeks of finding out that she had pancreatic cancer in March. She had not been feeling well for awhile, and she had gone to the doctor for nagging back pain, but it wasn’t until a mini-stroke happened to her that more thorough testing was done and the cancer was found. Pancreatic cancer goes undiagnosed often because symptoms don’t show up until it’s already really bad. So by the time Linda’s cancer was diagnosed it was stage 4, which means the cancer was not just in the pancreas but also in the liver and it was spreading into other areas.

The mini-stroke was a blessing because with it Linda lost some short term memory, and although she had been told about the cancer, she did not remember it in the early weeks after her diagnosis. She went downhill pretty quickly. And, as I said, she passed from the cancer – in her bed, with family members around her. She was only 73 years old.

Linda was my hubby’s oldest sister. She was the first born of three. Her mother was a teenager when she had Linda and although I didn’t know any of the family back then, I have heard many, many stories of the tough times during their childhoods. Yes, every family has dysfunction in it and some ups and downs, but they certainly had more than their fair share. One can’t help but wonder how a child feels those effects all their life, and if someone like Linda was unfortunately ‘given a raw deal’ in life from a young age. Yes, people can persevere and rise above bad situations but many still have lingering pain, and they hold in their sadness, and jealousy, and the ‘what ifs’.

When I first met Linda I was engaged to her brother. Back then, and all of her life, she lit up a room when she walked into it! Attractive. Blonde. She had that ‘something’ – a mix of southern style, kindness, concern about others, and humor. She was always fun to be around! Just like her mother (Nannie) and her Aunt Judy, Linda had a way of turning time spent together with them into an ‘event’. There was always a lot of laughing!!

Linda never got the chance to go to college because she became a mother as a teenager, but she found a ‘career’ for awhile as a jewelry buyer for departments stores, and also in representing certain jewelry lines. When I got to know her, once I became her sister-in-law, I admired her business skills, her hard work, and the traveling she often did for her job, and I knew she and her husband at the time made ends meet, and they seemed like they had a good life.

I won’t go into details about the career and personal disappointments that happened to Linda from that point on, but she never seemed able to get it back together, to feel secure, to get comfortable in her life, to make enough money to live on her own. She sometimes reached for a shiny ring that turned out to be wrong. I felt bad for her and I often saw her in flux during her middle years of life. She lashed out occasionally because of it, and she often lived in denial, and she used her humor to cover up the pain sometimes. She often needed family help and that was hard for her – and she had to swallow her pride.

I don’t just want to write a sad story about Linda. That would not be fair. Linda had many highs too – for sure. She raised her two sons mostly as a single mother, and she had close girlfriends, and she loved to shag, the Carolina dance. She became the ‘matriarch’ of the family once her mother passed. She spent many years helping her sister in more ways than I can list. Linda loved her doggies and they brought her much joy! Men were not good to her, but oh, the little dogs were faithful and loving! She became a regular church goer, and found a calling in helping, and then leading the Jason’s House program through the church. She helped line up beach week visits for sick children and their families.

Linda always worked. She worked at, and sometimes ran. gift shops in a few of the big hotels at the beach. It wasn’t easy. Long and unusual hours. Physically tiring. And not a way to get rich by any means! She struggled with not wanting to be a burden to her family, and at the same time her family was everything to her. She was the most proud of her sons, her grandchildren, and her nieces. She was always very appreciate to the support from all of them. Her siblings too helped out. Even when she could not afford it she made sure to have little gifts for everyone. She never hid her love for them all.

Sometimes I wonder if Linda left this world when she did so that she could be released from her constant concern about how to live into old age without resources. Like I said – she did not want to be a burden. She told me this at various times. It really worried her. Her lowest moments were about those feelings. I sure can’t figure out why some people get cancer, or why illness hits one person harder than another. But I do think Linda’s legacy is that she gave it her all with the wonderful attributes I mentioned above: her kindness, expressing sincere concern for others, and all the laughs she got and gave.

I will continue to miss Linda and her big personality. She was always a wonderful sister-in-law to me, perhaps because I was married to her only brother, but I think it was more. We certainly went through much together: holidays, weddings, births, illnesses, and funerals. She and I had a few moments of ’emotion’ and disagreements over the years. Family does. She even lived with us for a few months, and she and I would sit on the porch and discuss all kinds of things.

Her life did not always go as she had hoped, and yet she always made the best of it. I like to imagine her now, in heaven – and back together with her mother, her Aunt Judy, and her Granny. Linda came from a group of surviving women. Southern women. They had tough lives – and were stronger than they even knew. I bet there is lot of story-telling now, and a lot of laughing with them now – and some dancing too.