My re-occurring dream.

This morning I woke myself up from a dream, a re-occurring dream, which was vivid and worrisome.

I was in my church but there was a different pastor. There was no liturgy said, no Lord’s Prayer, no Creed recited. The pastor was not making sense to me. Nothing seemed right. Some people were there but nobody I knew. This morning’s dream had me sitting in the pew with my sister, my brother and his wife, and my cousin and her husband. They were visiting me.

Throughout the service people got up and left.

After the service we went to get something to eat, and not knowing at first, it was a meal prepared by the church. It was when I went to pay that I learned it was ‘free’ – yet, I was upset. I felt fooled. I got upset and told the pastor everything I felt about the church changes. His wife was there also. He told me the timing was bad because a representative from the church administration was there and he heard my disappointment.

My dream ended with people asking me ‘why didn’t you say something earlier?” – yet I had. I replied that I had sent emails and tried to speak my concerns before.

My dream wasn’t really a nightmare. There were no bogeymen or there was no violence. But, it felt like a nightmare to me, because I know both consciously and subconsciously a lot that has been going on with churches lately has been upsetting to me. Yesterday I ran into a friend, we happened to be seated next to each other getting pedicures, and we spoke a good while about church concerns. So, it’s not a surprise that my dream/nightmare popped up again.

My friend is finding members at her church close minded to homosexuality. Some social media posts she has seen had alarmed her. Saddened her. My church went through a division some years back over gay marriage and acceptance. It as messy. Ugly at times. Definitely disappointing

It used to be, in the past, that maybe you did not know the deep beliefs on issues from the parishioners sitting in the same pew as you. It was easier in a way. But now, with the crazy leadership of our country and with Christian Nationalism rising up, and with social media, we see and hear more – and it is alarming.

My friend and I both felt let down by our churches.

I loved my church. I was active there for many years. I never thought that the environment we are in now would happen, and that I would find myself home on Sunday mornings. But here I am. I am not less faithful. I am not questioning God’s love for me, and I continue to do my best to live my life in response to that love. My faith is who I am.

So, my re-occurring dream tells me that what is happening in many churches is very concerning to me. It tells me that I worry about the future of my church and other churches.

It’s an important, frightening part of the changes in our country.