This morning I woke myself up from a dream, a re-occurring dream, which was vivid and worrisome.

I was in my church but there was a different pastor. There was no liturgy said, no Lord’s Prayer, no Creed recited. The pastor was not making sense to me. Nothing seemed right. Some people were there but nobody I knew. This morning’s dream had me sitting in the pew with my sister, my brother and his wife, and my cousin and her husband. They were visiting me.

Throughout the service people got up and left.

After the service we went to get something to eat, and not knowing at first, it was a meal prepared by the church. It was when I went to pay that I learned it was ‘free’ – yet, I was upset. I felt fooled. I got upset and told the pastor everything I felt about the church changes. His wife was there also. He told me the timing was bad because a representative from the church administration was there and he heard my disappointment.

My dream ended with people asking me ‘why didn’t you say something earlier?” – yet I had. I replied that I had sent emails and tried to speak my concerns before.

My dream wasn’t really a nightmare. There were no bogeymen or there was no violence. But, it felt like a nightmare to me, because I know both consciously and subconsciously a lot that has been going on with churches lately has been upsetting to me. Yesterday I ran into a friend, we happened to be seated next to each other getting pedicures, and we spoke a good while about church concerns. So, it’s not a surprise that my dream/nightmare popped up again.

My friend is finding members at her church close minded to homosexuality. Some social media posts she has seen had alarmed her. Saddened her. My church went through a division some years back over gay marriage and acceptance. It as messy. Ugly at times. Definitely disappointing

It used to be, in the past, that maybe you did not know the deep beliefs on issues from the parishioners sitting in the same pew as you. It was easier in a way. But now, with the crazy leadership of our country and with Christian Nationalism rising up, and with social media, we see and hear more – and it is alarming.

My friend and I both felt let down by our churches.

I loved my church. I was active there for many years. I never thought that the environment we are in now would happen, and that I would find myself home on Sunday mornings. But here I am. I am not less faithful. I am not questioning God’s love for me, and I continue to do my best to live my life in response to that love. My faith is who I am.

So, my re-occurring dream tells me that what is happening in many churches is very concerning to me. It tells me that I worry about the future of my church and other churches.

It’s an important, frightening part of the changes in our country.

We live in a world where everything happens so fast, and attention spans are very short. We have tweets and text messages. We move from one story to the next. We have news networks that just take a line or two from a speech to use on the air. Because, you know, there is a lot to do and time is of the essence. We are busy, busy, busy. We have little time to stop and listen, or to take time to read a newspaper article, or a book.

It is up to editors and reporters to pick a sound bite, something that will reflect someone’s statement and also catch our attention. Is it fair? No. Is it always accurate? No.

But we live in the world of a sound bite.

And, knowing that, it is extra vital for public speakers to watch what they say. Words matter. Long orations are reduced down, often down to a minute or two in length.

Lately there has been a lot of talk about sound bites, and about how they are used against political leaders. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard and read recently that the sound bites of Charlie Kirk and Donald Trump are not reflective of who they really are. That they are taken out of context. That we didn’t hear their complete thought. That the opposing party just wants to make them sound bad.

And, yes, there is some truth to that. But sound bites add up. Right after Kirk was assassinated last week lots of audio & video clips of him appeared on social media. Sound bites from the past five years of him speaking at different events on various topics. I acknowledge that I had never listened to him before his death. So, when I started paying attention last week to all the sound bites I was surprised with what he said. I believe strongly in free speech and so he had every right to say what he did. He seemed to have no fear in speaking out. In expressing his opinion. He was bold.

But, he had to have known that his opines would be used in sound bites. Everything he said was videoed, saved, edited, and aired. When you are a public person like Kirk what you say never goes away.

Sound bites matter.

I think of Pres. Obama, Rep. Raskin, and Pete Buttigieg, and Sen. Corey Booker, and others – these are examples where their sound bites have rarely been used against them. (Maybe the people on Fox do it. I never listen to that network because they are known to habitually lie.) These are public figures who speak with eloquence and with careful thought. They don’t say edgy statements that can be misinterpreted. They know that words matter. As a Democrat I have never had to defend them, or make excuses for them saying “It was a sound bite that was taken wrong.”

So, think about your favorite politician and leader. Are you finding yourself explaining their words? Are you saying ‘they really meant something else’? Are you standing up for them all the time because they represent you but they don’t have good sound bites? Their sound bites create discomfort?

It’s the world we live in now. Sound bites represent a person. Everything said is ‘free’ to use. Politicians know that. The truthful ones, the smart ones, don’t have to fear that their words are being misinterpreted in a sound bite. Think about that.

Last evening I sat in the dark on my porch after hearing the news that Jimmy kimmel’s nightly show has been immediately ‘paused’ by ABC. I was in shock, yet I probably should not have been. I went through this just a couple of months ago at the news of the ending of “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.”

When Stephen’s show was cancelled President Trump spoke right after and he said he was glad about it. He then said they’d be coming for Kimmel and Fallon too. So, I should not be surprised by last night’s news about Jimmy Kimmel’s show. Where will Trump stop? What about Seth Meyers? And SNL? And “The Daily Show”? And John Oliver? And, Josh Johnson’s stand up? What about “The Simpsons” ? What about any person or show that speaks out against the president, using jokes and art to satirize?

I’m old enough to remember “The Smothers Brothers Show” and how the brothers were edgy and talked about the politics of the day. Steve Martin was a young writer on the show. A man named Pat Paulson did a whole spoof, pretending to run for president. Critics wanted to quiet the Smothers Brothers. It was a thing.

So, it’s not new: this push back on ‘free speech’ used in the entertainment industry.

A reminder: every single late night talk show host from Paar to Leno, Carson, and O’Brien, and more – ALL have told jokes in their monologues about politics. All political figures were fair game.

Lately it’s been the late night hosts and their shows who are being cancelled. But, newspapers have been sued by Trump because he did not like some of the editorials. Soon the Trump administration might go after movies and other forms of entertainment. He seems to have a very thin skin and has set up his people to ‘fight his fight’ in a way no other president has before. (Trump likes to be the president ‘like no other before.’ )

My opinion is that Trump has lived his whole life with ‘yes men,’ who have bowed down to him, who have known not to push back in fear of being fired and humiliated, and who have allowed his puffed up ego to go unrestrained. As a real estate person he got away with it, although a check back on newspaper articles from those days, and even some TV shows, will show that people were on to his con-man ethics even then.

But, now, as president, Trump has no restrictions and he feels confident and justified to go after those who criticize him. The assassination of Charlie Kirk (who I regard as a younger Trump after watching videos of him – same ego, same smooth liar) Trump is even more empowered to make anyone who speaks against him be shuttered.

A couple days ago, Attorney General Bondi stated that anyone who speaks ‘hate speech’ will be targeted. Did she forget that all speech but speech inciting violence is allowed under the law? I mean, if ‘hate speech’ is criminal then Trump has been breaking the law over and over for years! His speech is nasty. His speech contains lies. His speech is racist. His speech inflames people. It is personal. He says crazy things about people. He likes to hurt people with words. Why can he do it? Free speech.

So – yours and my FREE SPEECH is under attack right now. It is frightening. It is one-sided, and politically motivated. I don’t agree with Trump’s policies and I really don’t like the man. So, maybe I have ended up on a list. Didn’t Vance just ask people to turn in other people? I know I have MAGA folks who read my musings and posts.

This is where we are. This is what Americans and our Republican Congress is allowing to happen. A foundation of democracy, of ‘we the people,’ is being taken away. Am I using hyperbole? I don’t think so. Am I fearing what is to come? Yes.

Will speech be free going forward? Or, will more voices start disappearing? I hope not, but I predict that I will sit on my porch and feel sadness again.

I am listening to Gov. Cox of Utah, a Republican, on ‘Meet The Press’ right now. He is saying that the Charlie Kirk shooter was living with a ‘transitioning boyfriend’ and that he had been ‘radicalized’ online.

So…

Let me say…. There are other people in this country transitioning, not thousands and thousands, but enough to draw attention to a group of conservatives who do not approve of changes in gender identity. They have made it a political issue. These are people who may not have studied mis-identity at birth, and physical and mental dis-orientation, and do not know anyone transitioning personally. But they have made it a big issue and they like to say it aligns with being a Christian. (I differ with that opinion.)

There are other people living with those transitioning or who have changed their sexual identity, and they are not ‘radicalized’ or dangerous.

The shooter (I prefer not to use his name) obviously had gone over the edge. He planned and used a rifle to take out Charlie Kirk in a public forum. Unthinkable. Totally wrong. He did a horrible, horrible thing and will suffer the consequences.

But, was he ‘radicalized’? Maybe. Or – Maybe he had his beliefs his whole life. We don’t know. Yes, he was raised in a conservative home, by a Mormon family, in Utah no less! And, his father is a law officer. But we cannot guess about what the shooter thought about for years as a young man in America.

What does that mean to be radicalized? I googled the word ‘radicalize’ and it says to make a social or political change. It is often an extreme change. To be influenced so much to change normal thinking and behavior. But did the shooter all of a sudden feel strongly opposed to Mr. Kirk? Again, we do not know. He may have believed what he did all his life. He may have been internally holding in a lot of his beliefs due to his upbringing. WE DO NOT KNOW.

I really felt the Governor of Utah should not have said what he said – he should not have brought up anything about who the shooter lived with, in terms of sexuality. It does not matter. In fact, the roommate was shocked and was helpful in getting info for catching him.

Shooters have many reasons in their minds for doing what they do. It’s always wrong to ACT on violent thoughts. This one should have gotten help before it got to the point of killing. We as a country are lacking on free mental health for everyone. Mental health can be tough to diagnosis because it is often hidden. It is REALLY hard to see ahead of time when someone is going off the rails. (I believe that is why gun safety measurements are so very important.).

Mentally ill people are sometimes loners, or disappointed in their lives, or have dreams of grandeur, or they want to make a statement. They come from all kinds of backgrounds. They have different sexual beliefs too.

But remember: Healthy people can be alone, at times are disappointed, and have dreams, come from different backgrounds, and also have different sexual beliefs.

All of our words matter. The governor of Utah misspoke and his words might be very damaging. We need to do better.

I admit I did not know much about Charlie Kirk before I learned of his shooting and death two days ago. I do not follow conservative voices because I do not agree with their viewpoints.

But, since Kirk was assassinated I have seen quite a few videos of him at the rallies he held on college campuses, and when he spoke publicly on TV and at other events. I did not seek them out. They popped up on my Facebook and Instagram feeds.

This is my opinion on what I have watched on these videos: Charlie Kirk spoke with an attitude. He was not laid back at all. In fact, he often interrupted people as they asked a question. He then went off on a short sermon about whatever the topic. His style was rash. While I watched him I felt he was condescending. He pounced. I am sure those who are conservative and watch disagree with me because they liked what he said and did. They liked that he pushed back.

His ‘thing’ was to have young people come up and ask him questions on issues. To debate. But, the videos I watched did not show debate. They showed him being aggressive and he was an expert at ‘ just keep talking’ and control the conversation.

As I have now been listening to Charlie Kirk, I understand why he was so controversial. I watched as he laughed at college students, especially females, who were pursuing degrees he did not believe in. He told females that they should have families first, before having careers. He even told some they were wasting time and money getting a higher education degree.

Again, I saw this watching him – listening to his own words. Watching his own actions and mannerisms.

And, watching him I saw a bit of a young Trump. He had the ability to say anything, with confidence, with a pompous attitude. He had a ‘stare you down’ look. He laughed – but often ‘at’ someone, not with them.

Ok. Listen – he should NEVER NEVER NEVER have been shot and killed. NEVER. I am a pacifist and I believe that any kind of violence is wrong. I believe in turning the cheek and walking away. And – I want to do anything possible to stop all this gun violence in America. I have written about it over and over. Yesterday I watched a video of Charlie saying there will unfortunately be gun deaths in the US, something that we have to accept, because he did not want gun safety changes at all. The irony of his death by a gun is obvious.

I am a feminist. So, I did not like what he said about women. I have not deep dived into other videos, other messages he gave, but since he was a conservative I am guessing he did not believe in a woman’s right to choose. Some women may be fine with what he said. But, I am not. As a mother and grandmother of females, I did not agree with the limitations he wanted for women.

I am extremely sorry about his death. For his wife and children, and other family members, I mourn. What happened Wednesday, his assassination, is the latest of a horrible trend happening in our country. Yes, Kirk was brash, but he had the right to be that way without fearing for his life. In America the freedom of speech is a right. Nobody should fear violence for speaking out.

Yet, the rhetoric over the past ten years has gotten vile, and as I have always said: words matter. The escalation of demeaning language, of name calling, and of narcissistic ‘only me’ attitudes, has brought us here. We should not be surprised. Too many have been allowed, and accept, the nastiness that is spewed. We are seeing the results of it now.

I just saw on TV right now that the shooter has been identified and caught. A press conference will happen shortly. Whoever he turns out to be, he is an unstable person. Someone who reached for a gun – instead of being rational, and getting help, he let hate take over. We can’t forget that. He will face the consequences, by the laws of our land. Thank God we have a justice system. I hope we keep it. I worry about that too.

I will end with this: my BFF and I were crying together over the phone right after Trump’s second Inauguration, and she said she could not even imagine how bad it will get. In my mind at the time I thought ‘oh she is being too emotional, too over the top about what will happen.’ I agree with her now.

How bad can it get??

I fear much worse.

I listened to a sermon this morning about division. In many Christian churches the Gospel for the day was from Luke, and I’m paraphrasing but God said in Luke that even among families there will be division.

How true, right?

I found it interesting this morning that the pastor spoke about earthly divisions (and we see them everywhere), and that it is Christians who have faith and the Holy Spirit to help them, and yes, that following God can sometimes bring division. There is a cost to discipleship.

I certainly understand that. Being a Christian is not easy sometimes, and being a follower of Jesus and his message of love can put you at odds with society’s standards.

But here’s the thing…

It is within the Christian community where I struggle when I see all the divisions happening now. I get that the Christian community is large, and churches and denominations vary and they interpret Scripture differently. Some are ‘word for word’ Bible believers. Some are open to a wider understanding, and realize the writers of the Bible lived in a time long ago, in a place different from here and now. The words of God and Jesus do not change, but the environment has.

I tend to fall into that second group. In fact, I like nothing more than to have a good discussion about what the writers were trying to say, and what they stressed and why, and why Jesus did what he did. And, how Jesus turned the world upside down. And why. And what does God want from us. And, how in control is God. The questions are endless. There is so much to study, to discern, to try and understand. Theologians spend their whole lives at it.

So, I believe the division in the Christian community comes from wanting to be right on what the Bible says. It’s a human flaw… wanting to be right. (I know I suffer from it.) Wanting to make the Bible say what you want it to say. And, when you have a preacher, or an ‘expert,’ stand up and tell you each week what it says, you agree with them and it feeds you. It makes you feel that your way is the right way. If not, you leave that church and you find one that does. Right?

There are many, many choices in churches. Many divisions within the Christian community. Many varying beliefs on social issues. Abortion. The death penalty. War. Environmental care. Genders. Roles. Etc. Etc. There are Conservative Christian churches all the way to liberal ones.

But, here’s the thing: ALL CHURCHES believe and teach that God is love. End of story. Beginning of how we live. God showed love through Jesus. Jesus taught love – to everyone. The Bible is filled with verses that tell us to love. All the writers agreed: God is love.

So, how can there be so much division if we are all to love?

Christian love. There are no asterisks after it. God never said love only people like you. Love only those who believe like you do. Love only those who have the same skin color, or sexual identity, or financial wellness, or language, or education, or who live in the United States of America.

We can be divided on whether you like organ music at church, or prefer guitars. You can choice a big church with lots of events, or a small one where you know everyone. You can pick a church that is in a huge building or one in a storefront. You can love pomp and glitz, or prefer a laid back feel. It’s all out there.

But, truly, how can Christians be divided on love??

Yet we are.

You know how it is said that an alcoholic has to hit ‘rock bottom’ before having their eyes opened, and reaching out to get help? The people in their lives sometimes go through years and years of ups and downs and false hopes. They try and try to tell the alcoholics how they are hurting themselves AND others. But, too often it takes hitting ‘rock bottom’ and basically losing everything before making a change.

As with alcoholics in love and addicted to drink, so are MAGA people these days. They have so many years invested in Trump and they have ‘drunk’ his lies for so long, over and over again. It’s what they know.

So, I ask: What is a MAGA moment that will have them hitting ‘rock bottom’?

For years now FOX has talked about the horrible and often hidden trafficking of children in our country. They have made it one of their main issues, along with immigration. And, listen, I will never ever downplay the abuse and trafficking of children. I consider it the lowest of lows. People who groom children, lie to them, steal them, abuse them sexually, and even kidnap them – these people deserve to be put away in prison and have the key thrown away. Of course, even these horrible human beings get their day in court in the US because that is how we serve justice in America. But, I believe that the people who prey on children are sick, and dangerous, and they need to be arrested and held accountable for what they did.

You know where I am going with this…

Epstein and Maxwell. Two absolutely horrible human beings who abused and trafficked young girls and teenagers for years. Epstein is dead but his records are in the hands of the Dept. of Justice. Thy have files of information about his finances, his travels, and his clients who came to his residences. Names of co-conspirators. Abusers.

Maxwell is in prison, already found guilty of participating in the sex trafficking. Yes, we all know – she is the lowest of low. In fact, dare I say, as a woman she scrapped the bottom of bottoms because she was an adult woman who put young teenager girls in harm’s way, and she helped find the victims, watched, and let it all go on – for years. it is said she physically took part in the abuse.

Sex crime prisoners are held in top security prisons because what they did was so horrible, and even the other prisoners incarcerated don’t like them. Inmates have a pecking order and those who have been involved in sex crimes with children are considered the worst.

Well, as you probably know, this past week, Maxwell was moved to a lower security prison facility. It happened immediately after she met with Trump’s DOJ attorney. It is very suspect. More than suspect. It is extremely unusual to have a sex crime prisoner moved like this.

MAGA, what say you about this?

The Republican leadership and Congressional members: what say you?

Anything? Hello?? I haven’t heard anything.

Is this not ‘rock bottom’??? I mean, what is worse?

One can easily wonder if Republicans have any moral and ethics conscience at all because they are silent. After years of saying that we all need to help the young victims of sex crimes (and we do), and most importantly we need to get the ones responsible, where are you now?

Why are you so quiet? I am not hearing anything.

Have you totally lost your soul to protect one man? (Or maybe yourself?)

MAGA faithful: How can you allow this?

Seriously. What is your ‘rock bottom’ if not this??

(I started writing this post yesterday.)

Some days I feel hopeful. Really. Despite all the horrible things going on in our country and in the world. I feel hopeful because over time I have learned to live in my own little bubble. I have had to live in the bubble since Trump’s first election because I have felt hurt so badly over people I thought I knew. And now, basically, I only allow those who know me, and who are rational and open, to be part of my circle. It is for my own sanity. I have friends who know what is going on and they give me hope that I am not alone. It is truly about survival during these times. It’s about trying to keep it real. It’s about realizing that I am not the crazy one.

Some days I wonder though.

Occasionally a day like today happens. This afternoon I was confronted with the fact that there are still too many people out there who live in another ‘reality.’ Well, for them it is real. But, for me it is another example of how we can be so swayed to the point of accepting lies and hearing only what we want to hear.

It is so depressing.

I have shed tears from time to time over it all. Yesterday I did.

Yesterday I was thrown by someone I know who has gone down the Trump rabbit hole. He’s all in. He must be a long-time “Fox only” viewer who has believed what they have sold. He has accepted all the lies.

It will take me a little time to accept it. I will certainly still be friendly, and wish him well. But, I now know that we see the world differently and neither is willing to change. At this point we may be UNABLE to change. Years of indoctrination have happened.

In the future therapists and social experts, and psychologists , will be studying this era, the Trump years, to figure out how people can be brought to such division. Good people. Those who you meet on the street and smile at you. I suppose even now we can look back on Germany pre-World War 2. We can see how the people then were ‘fooled’ or told over and over again lies that turned into facts in their minds.

“Mind games” that played on their ‘fears.’ Calculated games that divided. Them vs. Us. To the point of horrible inhumane actions.

I worry we are on the same path.

Yesterday was one of those days when I was faced with it directly. It hurt. It scared me about how it keeps happening, even to people I thought knew better.

I seriously don’t know how we will get through the next 3 1/2 years. One day at a time I guess. But divided. Constantly disappointed. Working hard to keep hopeful. Living as a nomad Christian.

But I promise this – I will be making it a point to constantly push back. To continue to peacefully protest. Doing what I can to make our country safer and more equal for my grandchildren and all children.

To constantly search for facts. To promote honesty and integrity.

It’s what I can do. It’s what I must do.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about my years as a child living in our family home on Thorne Road in Cleveland Heights, Ohio. Times were different, for sure. So, I thought it might be nice to put down some of my thoughts and memories of that time, for my daughters and my grandchildren.

We moved there when I was just starting elementary school (Caledonia Elementary School). It must have been 1960 or 1961. We moved from Rockville, Maryland when my dad took the position of pastor at Hope Lutheran Church on Taylor Road in Cleveland Heights. Thinking back I can’t remember much before living in that house on Thorne Road. I was too young to have memories in my early years in Maryland.

But, I can really picture everything about that house on Thorne Road, inside and out. Yes, I have pictures to remind me, but I was also old enough to remember much about our times there.

When we first moved to that home my parents decided that my older sister and I would share the master bedroom, and it had a door that connected to the bathroom, the only bath on that floor. It was the biggest bedroom and we each had our own bed. She loved the Beatles and so I remember we had Beatles posters on the walls. A few years after living there my dad finished off the attic and added a bedroom for my brother upstairs, and an office for himself. When that happened I was moved into my own room (which had been my brother’s). It was the room on the left at the top of the stairs. It had a window that did not seal closed well and I remember Ohio winter’s cold air seeping through it. At times I stuck a sweater or sweatshirt there to plug it up better.

After dad finished off the attic the house had a total of four floors. We had a basement that was half finished, half unfinished. In the basement my dad turned a big closet into a darkroom to process his own photographs. Yes, that was a thing. He had the solutions for processing film. He had a red light so he could do the work without exposing the film to bright light. He hung the pictures to dry! It was a hobby for him. Under the stairs in the basement was a closet that held our ‘dress up clothes’ and other toys. I remember that a couple of my mom’s old gowns we used for dress up. In fact one of her black dresses we used for a few Halloween costumes! A gypsy. A witch. The first floor, the main floor, had the living room, the dining room, kitchen, and a half bath. A screened porch was attached off of the dining room. We had a side door to the driveway and next to the door was a “milk pass through.” Do you know what this is? When the house was built it was for the milkman to deliver milk and to leave it there. A small door was on the outside for him, and there was a small door on the inside that hooked/locked closed, for us to receive the milk.

The second story had three bedrooms and the bathroom. It also had a laundry chute in the wall in the hallway. Have you heard of that? We could put dirty clothes in it and the clothes dropped down to the basement, near the washer and dryer.

As I said, the top floor, the attic, became a bedroom and an office. Lots of stairs! As a kid it was no big deal.

The house had no central air conditioning. We had a huge ceiling fan on the second floor that opened up and made lots of noise but helped circulate the air on hot summer days. I remember well when my dad first bought a window air conditioner and put it into his office window on the top floor. On hot days we would go sit up there in the beautiful coolness and watch his little black and a white portable TV. 3 VHF channels and 1 UHF channel. No cable TV back then. An antenna was attached to the TV that we moved and positioned to get the best reception.

I lived in that house through 7th grade. Many of my memories are about playing down in the basement. We had a pool table down there and I remember making it into a “Barbie Island” and playing with all my Barbie dolls on it. I had a Midge (Barbie’s friend) and a Skipper too. I think Skipper was her niece. My sister and I had the Barbie Fashion Shop. To tell you the truth, I think it might have been a gift for her but I played with it also.

We also played for endless hours rolling on skateboards in the unfinished half of the basement. My brother and I would skate circles around the big furnace in the middle. He also had a large fish tank down there, at the bottom of the stairs. One of his hobbies.

We had a basketball backboard and hoop on the garage and my brother and I played many games of “HORSE.” We played many games of badminton in the backyard too. I remember occasionally hitting the badminton birdie up on to the garage roof and my brother climbing up to get it down. He is the middle child, closer in age to me. I’m the young one. Our backyard had a chain linked fence. One day I tried to climb over it (maybe to get a birdie) and my knee got caught on a sharp edge of the linked fence. I still have a scar from it today.

We had a milkman (really!!) from Dean’s Dairy who still came to the house and brought us our milk and ice cream. His name was Elmer. As a family we bought lots of ice cream. I remember saving the zip off strips from the half gallons and getting a free ice cream after collecting a certain number of strips. We also had Charles Chips potato chips delivered to us. They were the absolutely best potato chips, delivered in a large brown can. We would return the can so it could be reused. If you have never had Charles Chips you are missing out on the best chips ever!! Fresh, large, and light!!

Here’s something interesting too. We had a garage but it was not connected to the house. It sat back a little. We kept our garbage cans in it, but would place the cans right outside the garage on garbage pick up days – and there were workmen who drove little ‘golf cart-like’ scooters and they picked the cans up, took them down the driveway to the garbage truck to be emptied, and then brought them back. What service!!

I can still remember many of the neighbors on our street. There was an older couple, the Hersheys, directly across the street from us. And, the Swansons, and the Muirs, were across the street too. I babysat for the Muirs’ little boy when I was in 5th and 6th grade. At the end of the street lived a boy (Dominic?) and his backyard was a hangout spot for lots of kids from the neighborhood. They were Catholic and they had a Virgin Mary statue in their backyard. I had never seen that before. We had the rule to come home when the streetlights came on.

Back in those days we walked to school. As a child it seemed like a long way to go (although it was NOT uphill both ways – ha). I can picture the path in my mind. Down my street and turn right. A couple of blocks more and then walk past a small strip of shops (which was across from my dad’s church). A couple more blocks, turn right, then a left – to my school. I walked with friends. We think everything was safer in those days, and yes, they probably were. But, I remember once walking with my friends and a man in a car pulled up beside us, and drove slowly by us as we walked. I remember going with my friends to the principal’s office to tell them about this man.

I had trouble saying my S’s and Z’s. For awhile in 2nd grade I was pulled out of reading with a couple of other kids to have speech lessons. We would play games during the lesson times and practice saying ‘it’s your turn’ the right way. I think I never got fully ‘fixed’ and I still say my S’s and Z’s wrong. Oh well.

My elementary school was built in the traditional way of that time. Each classroom had a door to exit outside. Can you imagine that now?? No! We had real chalkboards and children were chosen to go out the door and clap the chalk erasers together to clean them. We breathed in huge white puffs of chalk.

I remember the day Pres. Kennedy was shot. And on the day of his funeral our classes all went and sat down in the hallway at school where a TV was wheeled in so we could watch the event.

For a few years while I was in elementary school “Chinese jump rope” was a fad. Can you imagine calling it that now? I imagine it must have started as a fun thing to do by little girls in China. The rope was really a large piece of elastic tied together. It went around the ankles of two girls and a girl would jump into the middle and make designs – kind of like a large “Cat’s Cradle.” We also did ‘two rope/two people’ jump rope often too. “Double Dutch”…. Hmmm. Another politically incorrect term.

As for teachers: I remember Miss Reid in 2nd grade. She actually inspected our fingernails! I think she was looking for dirt – and for biting. Mrs. Hayes was my 4th grade teacher and I loved her. Why? She was kind. She never yelled.

When I finished at Caledonia Elementary my parents worried about sending me to the big public junior high school, Kirk Jr. High. My brother and sister had gone there and it was a ‘tough’ environment. The school was a mix of suburban kids and inner city kids. Cleveland Heights kids and East Cleveland kids. A mix of all types. So, my parents sent me to St. John’s Lutheran School. I rode a bus to and from each day. The good news was that I knew half of the other students in my class because they were from my elementary school. Their parents also did not want them going to the public school. St. John’s was a safe environment. I do remember hanging out after school one day with a group of friends and no adults were around – and we played “Spin The Bottle”! Ha. My first time getting a kiss (a peck) from a boy. Already at that time I had a crush on Steve Brady. I had known him since 4th grade – and I just thought he was the cutest, nicest boy! He played “Spin the Bottle” but did not kiss me. Boohoo.

During those years living on Thorne Road much of my life also revolved around church activities. As a pastor’s kid I was in the church building a lot. I was a member of the youth choir of course. I went to Sunday School – and I hung out with my best friend Karen Olson. Karen and I were ‘church girlfriends’ because we went to different schools. She lived kind of far away from me so it was always wonderful to see her at church. Karen was (still is) very artistic, musically and drawing, and we spent lots of hours together chalking on the boards in classrooms in church. I helped occasionally in the church office. Dad brought me in on Saturdays and I helped fold and put church bulletins together for the next day. I later did the same thing as an adult at my church in Sparta, NJ – and then at my church in Pawleys Island, SC.

We grew up with a family dog. Always. And it was always a Boston Terrier. During my Thorne Road years we had one named “Pal.”

We also co-owned a Shasta vacation trailer with a church family we knew well. Most summers we took the trailer out to state parks. We pulled it behind our car. A couple of memories of it: Sometimes we had the dog ride in it while we traveled. Pal would climb up on the table to look out the front window and watch us in the car. If dad had to stomp on the brakes quickly poor Pal went flying off the table! I also remember that the pilot light for the little refrigerator in the trailer blew out every time we traveled with it. It seemed like dad was endlessly relighting it to keep our food items cold. My last big memory is the time we were camping and I had eaten onion rings at dinner and they did not sit well with me. As the youngest I was in the back hammock, next to my brother, hanging above my parent’s bed. Well, I started to get sick! I could not get out of the hammock quick enough so my brother reached into the kitchen cabinet next to him and pulled out a large bowl for me to puke in. And I did! Oh what a night!! Sick in a 16 foot trailer with 4 other people and a dog.

I remember my years in Cleveland Heights as a typical life of a kid at that time. I had a bike. I loved to do art. I was an okay student. I had chores to do. I went along with the flow of the family. As the youngest I know I had it easier at times than my siblings.

I was sheltered for sure. I was fortunate to never feel like we did not have enough, although we lived on a pastor’s salary. We were a middle class family like so many others at that time. I never felt the need for wanting more. I never felt like I was missing out. I did not grow up too fast.

For that I am very grateful.

Growing up I learned early on that having a positive moral compass was a foundation of a good life. I can’t point to one thing, or person, who taught me that, instead it was a mix of every day teachings from my parents, from Sunday school teachers, and school teachers, and from who I hung around with each day. My friends. My parents’ friends. My community.

Was I just lucky to be put in an environment that stressed morality? With everything going on these days I wonder.

I know that as a kid I was sheltered from the bad in the world, and I certainly did not see the news all the time, or I did not have social media to show me otherwise. I grew up among people who really, really valued having good intentions and true caring for others, who taught me right from wrong, and about the importance of the laws of our land.

Therefore…

I am thinking of morality this morning – because the Epstein Files and possible List are foremost in the news right now.

If you have been living under a rock, here is the summary as I know it. Jeffrey Epstein became a rich person through banking and investing. Living in NYC he hung out with the rich and famous there. In the early 2000’s he owned a mansion in Manhattan, a secluded place in Palm Springs, and a private island.

He was arrested for child abuse, for prostitution, and sex trafficking. As more and more information came out about his sick desire for young girls, for finding them, abusing them, and “working’’ them to satisfy men, interest became great. OF course! There are testimonies from the girls and the staff, and pictures of men who were guests of Epstein and were invited to his homes. Some of the young girls, now older, have bravely spoken out. Prince Andrew of England was named as a ‘customer’. His mother Queen Elizabeth basically disowned him. Lots of other names from all walks of life, all wealthy men, have been rumored to be on the list.

There was an investigation – and it produced pages and pages about the illegal and ill-moral activity. It is thought that this ‘list’ is in the huge investigation folder that sits on Attorney General Pam Bondi’s desk and it holds the names of those who participated. People in politics. Possibly CEO’s of major firms and banks. Celebrities. Princes.

Now, you don’t have to be a genius to realize Donald Trump was one of Epstein’s good friends. They were very similar. Both lived in NYC, both were wealthy, and both loved the ladies. There were many, many pictures of them taken together at parties and other places. Some of the pictures are with young girls.

As I said, I am a person with a moral compass and I find the behavior of them, and all the others involved, disgusting. There seems to be an invisible cushion around these rich, white, men – and for years now they have gone unnamed.

But, just the other day Trump and his administrative ‘groupies’ claim that there is no list. What?!?! They want Americans to stop pushing for the file to be opened and made public. It seems to be an effort on his part to keep the information, and the names, secret and hidden.

So, I come back to morality.

I can safely say that Donald Trump has never had good morals. All his life he was taught that winning and getting wealthy was the most important thing ever. It did not matter how it happened. Who was walked over or hurt. There are case after case of people who knew Trump in business and saw and felt the wrath of his dealings. Many have spoken out that the man has no empathy for others. He has a psychological issue, a narcissist, unable to consider anything beyond himself.

I have to ask: where is the integrity of others? Doesn’t anyone have morality anymore? What happened to other people in government and in powerful positions having a conscience? A moral fiber or two?

Can so many be so ill-moral???

This morning I texted with my bestie that this is a moment where we need a “Deep Throat,” an anonymous source, someone willing to bring the facts out to the public. There needs to be someone in the administration who will put justice above everything else. One person willing to do the right thing.

Because… remember, there are a lot of men walking around, free, who are on that list and who need to come before a court of law. There is a ‘good ole boy’ system that must end. Justice can be an important deterrent.

For the sake of women and girls, it must end.

We need to hold men accountable to their actions.

This is the perfect time.